When Clients Hijack Their Own Therapy

Suffering is an existential necessity that doesn’t need to be fixed, but rather, understood. 

We can say that a fundamental task of psychotherapy is to help the client how to properly suffer.  This of course is a paradox because in the very core of understanding suffering is joy.  By focusing on suffering as something wrong or bad, we pathologize suffering. By focusing on understanding suffering, we transform suffering. 

When clients don’t know how to suffer, it manifests in any number of symptoms, and consequently becomes an armor against connection and relational depth.  Therapeutically, this leaves both the client and the therapist feeling stuck.  By fixating on one thing and becoming a victim to it, a client may come to believe that if it isn’t “fixed,” they can not get better.  Like many of our clients, complaining has replaced feeling and the emotional insights that could potentially shift their focus and sense of self in the world.  

Being explicit when a client is hijacking their own therapy can be anxiety-producing and scary. But using the relationship between therapist and client can be an important access point for the client to explore significant life events and family dynamics. Emotional memories and emotional learnings reside in the space “between”.  Emotional insights emerge in the space of relationship. It starts with humble questions like:

“What do you think is happening here between us?”

“Does it feel familiar with how you are experiencing other relationships?”